Trying to Figure Things Out...

Wednesday, April 9th, I spent most of the day protesting the Chinese rule of the Tibetan people. The Olympic Torch made the only North American stop--amidst controversy, debate, and pain--in San Francisco. The fact that there was protest and conflict over what is supposed to be a worldly event--the Olympics--is disheartening. The Olympics, at the core, are supposed to embody an event in which countries put aside differences, if only for 2 weeks every 2 years, and compete, civilly (though, not always the case, but the point, nonetheless). The reasons behind the protest--the Chinese rule, humiliation, violation--are clearly unthinkable--50 years ago and today.


When I got back to the office, I got a call from my dad informing me of my uncle's death. My uncle was too young; his wife is too young to be a widow; his daughters are too young to be without their father. I know people die; it is natural and a part of life. This does not make it less difficult. I am trying to decide if death ever gets easier to accept. As I get older, I feel death of those close to me spooks my understanding, my humanity, and my mortality. No, it really does not get easier. Maybe I am just supposed to be able to accept it because that is what happens, that is the way it goes. I am concrete, and as creative and flowery and pink and purple and yellow and orange I sometimes like think I am; I am concrete. I like order. I like plans. I like answers, reasons why, an ending to a book. I think this is why I did not like the movie No Country for Old Men. It just ended. Nothing else. No reasons why, no closure.

My uncle was funny, corny, happy, friendly, caring, loving. He was a person, just as we all are. It is hard to accept things we cannot understand and cannot change and cannot see. And maybe trying to find an answer is the hard part about death, because there isn't one. It is hard to accept a reason that does not exist.


These two events, on any given day, would have stuck in my memory. Given they occurred on the same day and the magnitude of the reasons behind the Olympic protests and the magnitude of losing a family member will stay with me forever. I cannot understand the reasons people treat each other the way they do and why humans believe other humans are not equal and must (and can) take what belongs to them. I cannot understand why some people's bodies are able to withstand less and their time is shorter.

Trying to figure things out...maybe I need to try to accept I will not understand why and how and the reasons (if there are any). It is still hard.